Top
10 Tips for Keeping Your Romance Alive
by
Linda Davies and Gloria Bailey
"Is it really possible to be with the same partner over many years and still have a relationship fully alive with intimacy, excitement and adventure?" Without a doubt, that is the question people most want to ask when they learn we have been together for 27 years. Though it often feels like one of life's greatest miracles to us as well, we are able to give an enthusiastic "thumbs up" in reply -- and we have some concrete tips to help others along the way.
Much of what we have learned has developed from sharing intimately in the lives of the many lesbian couples we have seen in our joint psychotherapy practice over the past 23 years and from our loving circle of friends. We have compiled this top-10 list to highlight what we believe are the most important qualities and strategies for a relationship designed to last a lifetime. It's not just for lesbian couples; gay men and even straight folk can benefit. Use this list as a starting point, then add to it from your own observations and experience.
1.
Make time for each other.
A wise old woman once told us that if you really want to know what is important
to a person you would need to look through her checkbook to see where her money
goes and keep a detailed calendar of her day to see how she spends her time. Could
your relationship pass this test? Would you be excited to see how much time you
really spend with your partner doing the things that nurture and sustain your
relationship? How about setting a goal? Put "couple time" in your calendar
on a regular basis -- in ink! Then decide together how you would like to spend
that time.
2.
Express your appreciation.
How often have you thought to yourself, "I wonder what it is about me that
she still loves? What does she get from me now?" Criticisms and complaints
sometimes get way too much airtime and so overshadow the very wonderful things
that drew us to each other in the first place. Try an experiment: See what happens
when for just one day you practice telling your partner what qualities you like
and admire about her now.
3.
Listen to each other.
Is there anything more special than feeling you are really understood by someone
who loves you? Not criticized, not blamed, not getting advice, just being listened
to in a loving, supportive manner. The ability to see the world from each other's
perspective is truly one of love's greatest gifts. Being a good listener depends
on our ability to suspend our own feelings, judgments and opinions and to be willing
to give our full attention to our partner. We need to accept her feelings as her
reality and be able to listen until she can confirm that we really do get it.
Providing such understanding and empathy gives comfort to her soul.
4.
Communicate honestly with kindness and love.
Conflicts and disappointments are inevitable in any relationship. Having the courage
to bring up difficult topics is essential to good communications. We need to speak
our truths in a loving and kind manner so as not to cause unnecessary hurt to
each other and to our relationship. "I" messages instead of "you"
messages give us the best chance to make positive requests without being blaming,
threatening and combative. Instead of saying, "You are so inconsiderate to
walk so far ahead of me," try saying, "I'm having a hard time keeping
up with you today. Could you slow down your pace a little?"
5.
Share your vulnerabilities.
To truly love and care for one another, we need to share with our partner the
deepest secrets of our souls. What is it that makes us frightened or afraid? What
causes us to feel embarrassment or shame? In what ways do we feel inadequate?
These vulnerabilities developed in the context of our families of origin, and
continue to be triggered in our present-day relationships. Almost always they
are the source of our most difficult moments with each other.
If you find yourselves having the same fight over and over again, you are likely to be bumping up against each other's vulnerabilities. Covering up our hurts with defensive behaviors that are designed to be self-protective only makes matters worse. We need to look beneath the surface behaviors, and truly understand the vulnerability that lies deeper within us. With this new information we have an opportunity to respond in a less defensive, more loving and gentle manner. This not only helps us resolve our present conflict, but helps us continue to heal more fully from our early wounds.
This kind of genuine intimacy takes many years to create and is only possible in a relationship where mutual trust and safety have been developed. To be fully known by each other is the deepest possible connection that two human beings can share. This is an area where a good therapist or relationship coach often can be most helpful.
6.
Support each other's individual growth.
No relationship can really work unless both partners are committed to their own
and each other's individual growth. It makes our relationships more exciting when
we know that each partner is evolving separately into a more complete, whole person
with ever-changing and developing interests and priorities. It's like we get to
fall in love all over again with the newness each person brings back to the relationship.
Meeting each other's every emotional, physical, social and intellectual need is just not humanly possible. As we grow older, we often do not have work to help structure our times apart. Pursuing separate hobbies and interests, spending time alone with friends or family, taking classes -- all of these represent ways that we may continue to grow outside of our primary relationship.
7.
Develop shared values, interests and goals.
The French writer Antoine de Saint-Exupery once observed that "love does
not consist of gazing at each other, but looking outward in the same direction."
Having a large repertoire of activities, projects and interests that we share
is very important to mutual satisfaction. To feel deeply connected to one another,
we need a common sense of purpose. Shared ethical or spiritual values helps us
see together our place in the universe. We need to use our imagination and creativity
to continually find ways to share our vision of how we want to live.
8.
Laugh and play together.
We need to make sure that we enliven our
relationships by always finding new and exciting ways to laugh, play and have
fun together. "Fun is behavior that needs no skills, has no rules, can't
be done wrong and produces a belly laugh," according to Harville Hendrix.
By maintaining a sense of adventure we are able to keep our relationships fresh
and exciting. A sense of humor, being willing to laugh at ourselves and the world
at large, helps us keep it all in perspective.
9.
Be willing to give each other sexual pleasure.
As lesbians, we are free to define our sexuality in purely female terms. All kinds
of sensuous touching -- kissing, cuddling, back rubs and holding each other --
is just as important to us as genital contact and orgasms. Our wish to be emotionally
close in a physical way is usually the underlying desire for sex as we age. There
is no time limit to our sexuality. We are able to be fully expressive sexually
throughout our lives.
Though we know many couples who have maintained a healthy, active sex life well into their 70s and 80s, we also know many who have very exciting, emotionally close relationships without genital sex. It really depends on what you and your partner want. As we grow older, we need to be willing to keep the lines of communication open in a caring and sensitive way, since we often need to adapt to the hormonal changes in our bodies or to physical limitations due to disease or injury.
For those wanting to maintain an active sex life, the key is to be willing to set aside time to be alone together in a sensuous way without distractions. We need to take creative steps to enhance our desire. Planning a special dinner by candlelight, taking a warm bath or watching a romantic movie together -- all of these can help set the stage for our romantic interludes and can increase our passion.
10.
Build a community.
We need each other more than we can possibly imagine. Having a community of people
where we can be fully ourselves and receive love, acceptance and support is vital
to the well-being of our coupled relationships. Though some brave pioneers have
had to go it alone for fear of the grave consequences of being a visible lesbian
couple, most of us could not possibly sustain our relationships in such isolation.
We can create safe places for our relationships if we are willing to reach out to others. Many younger lesbian couples are hungry for the knowledge and history that we can provide about what it has been like to go before. In return they are able to share with us the vast resources that they have discovered as they have been more comfortable being out.
We hope these tips will give you food for thought as you take creative steps to make your love affair -- and your lives -- flourish into the millennium. As a traditional saying puts it, "Those who love deeply never grow old."
Linda Davies and Gloria Bailey are co-directors of Women's Therapy Associates in Hartford, CT. Linda is also a personal and relationship coach. For more information, contact Linda at (508) 255-4913 or rainbowcoach@capecod.net.
